The Compass
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Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”