So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
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me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I have a black belt in leather
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.