Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
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Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
A game married people play.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day