Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
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One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.