[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
You Might Also Like
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.