*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
You Might Also Like
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn鈥檛 raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as 鈥淒on鈥檛 make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They鈥檝e quieted down. There鈥檚 a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he鈥檚 taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn鈥檛 go because you never let me do anything?
I鈥檝e had worse
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin庐’ 100 times on Batpaper*
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
馃幎 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schr枚edi
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
there鈥檚 no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.