A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
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I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.