I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
You Might Also Like
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
they finally got him. they got macavity
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”