When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
You Might Also Like
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no