It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
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Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.