So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
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[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…