Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys