once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
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I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
My time has come.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*