An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
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[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
just witnessed a drug deal
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
A short story about romance.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”