Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
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The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends