My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
You Might Also Like
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.