I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
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It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
it’s finally my moment to shine
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
it be like that
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.