The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
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I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.