Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
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“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
work smarter, not harder
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.