I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
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Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
This squirrel eats better than I do
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Best spot.. 😅
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything