Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
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CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?