Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
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4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
(True)
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.