Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
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Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I love the honesty
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.