The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
You Might Also Like
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
wtf is a larm clock?
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Who says great literature is dead?
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.