“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
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Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Candles never taste the way they smell
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.