First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
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Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks