*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
You Might Also Like
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
yes… yes…
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?