I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
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My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102