Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
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It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
what day is it?
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?