[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
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How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Does it…does it take 3 days
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”