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[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien