Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
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Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait