i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
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Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Finally, an explanation.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.