*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
You Might Also Like
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I’d rather go liquor treating.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?