Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
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i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.