Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
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Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
No, YOUR illiterate.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I’M CRYINGGG
Chicago sounds lovely.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Duck typos.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father