The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
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Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin