*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
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I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.