My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
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Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
eggs benadryl
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.