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i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes