What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
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*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Thrilling chase underway
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.