According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
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*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
😍😂🥰😂😍
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff