Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
You Might Also Like
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?