Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
You Might Also Like
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Well, that should do it
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING