I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
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My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
181.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter