Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
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an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”