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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Phew
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous