People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
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Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
adam and eve had first world problems
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes