Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
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picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.