“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
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I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I love twitter
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
“Sheer Arrogance”
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.